As the year mark inches closer I find myself thinking about the night that I went to the hospital. I find myself thinking about the moment she was born. I find myself thinking about the moment the doctors told me there was no hope.
I remember when my OB told me that she was coming and I just looked at my husband who was just looking back at me. I was totally frozen. I don't know if I was in shock or if it was from the pain medication that was flowing through my system. All I knew, was that it was too soon. I remember them telling me that she was measuring smaller than what they originally thought she was. They told us that we had a choice. A choice to hold our daughter while she left this world or they could transfer her an hour away to another hospital. But, they did not believe she would survive the ambulance ride. I was frozen.
We sent her an hour away. My husband went along and I stayed admitted into the hospital. Somebody who is reading this right now is probably thinking, "why didn't you go with her?". Honestly I am thinking the same thing. I don't know. During that time I really didn't know what to do, what to expect, what was right, what was wrong. I just knew she deserved a chance. And she did survive the ambulance ride. A few hours later I made it to her when they told me things were changing. I was numb. Not until I saw her again did I realize how tiny she actually was. My finger tip was the size of her palm. For the first time I broke down in tears. I keep thinking she should still be safe inside my belly. And now I think she should be safe inside the house that I sit in now.
11 days from now marks a year from when my world came crashing down.