Saturday, February 21, 2009

4 month have gone by...

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me.

I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story first… While I was still pregnant, a girl who was also pregnant started working in my office. She was a month ahead of me and of course that’s the majority of what we talked about. When I came back from my leave from work in December, she was really quiet towards me. I couldn’t blame her. I honestly had nothing to talk to her about either. She was still pregnant and I was extremely emotional. This week she came back to work from maternity leave, She was showing a new picture of her daughter to another girl in the office, when she saw me she quickly began to put it away. I smiled and asked her if I could see it. It was a picture of her baby smiling. It was a beautiful picture. I actually looked at it without getting emotional. That’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without getting upset. I’ve had other opportunities to see pictures of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to look. I think in doing this it helped me heal. I am going to try to continue to be strong.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

February 08,2009

Today was a normal Sunday. I got up and my husband and I had breakfast together. I went off to my little side job, I guess you would call it. I work the M-F 40 hour week plus pick up a Sunday lunch waitress shift to make a couple extra bucks. I just started back to this extra job about 3 Sundays ago, the first since Darcy was born. I had worked there while I was pregnant and the regulars know me pretty well. Well, today I waited on one of the regulars and she said she had recalled me telling her I was pregnant a few months ago. I told her she was correct and she responded with a "Well you should be showing by now?". I replied with a smile on my face, trying to make the moment not so awkward "we lost her, she was born too early". Of course, you could tell the woman felt terrible for asking and that's what I hate about it when people ask me about my pregnancy. You just don't know what to say or how to act when something so terrible has happened.

Her being brought up doesn't bother me. It's more of what I think about that upsets me. I don't know if that makes since to anyone. Maybe that's just me putting on a strong front....

Saturday, February 07, 2009

February 05, 2009

It's 21 days from my due date. I should be so excited, but I'm not. I should be completely worn out, but I'm not. I should be putting the final touches on Darcy's nursery, but...I'm not. Four months ago, I was a happy little pregnant woman. My husband and I were so excited to be blessed with pregnancy. Everything was great for us. I'll start from the very beginning. It was in August when we first found out. We were making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. We had just ran to the store to pick up some things we needed to make dinner and I thought "Maybe I should pick up a pregnancy test?". I had been feeling a little unlike myself, so I thought "what the heck" I grabbed one and we were on our way. Back at our apartment my husband was preparing dinner and I decided to take the test, minutes later it was positive! We couldn't believe it, so I took the second one...you guessed it, positive. We weren't trying for a baby at the time, we were just letting whatever happens, happen and it did. We were a little nervous at first, but soon we were so excited! I made an appointment the next day with my OB doctor and it wasn't going to be for another 3 weeks at the end of August. That was the longest wait ever! When the date finally came we got to see our precious baby. We heard the heart beat, saw her/him move around and it was amazing. We were more excited now then we were before! Before it was just results on a piece of paper, now there our baby was on the screen letting his/her presence be known. It was still too early to know the sex, but we were happy to know our baby was healthy and everything was going as it should. We scheduled our next appointment and we're on our way. The next month's appointment went as well as the first one did. The doctor scheduled an ultrasound at the end of November and we would find out what the sex was then. Soon I was feeling my little one moving around in my belly and the baby especially liked it when Daddy talked. We started preparing our lives to accommodate our little blessing.

On October 20th I woke up and went to work like I usually did every Monday thru Friday. The morning continued and as I sat at my desk I felt some slight cramping coming on. I called my doctor and he assured me that I was just growing, which made sense to me since I was well on my way to 5 months along. But, when the pains became more severe I went home and called the doctor again. He directed me to the hospital, so the baby's heartbeat could be checked and some test could be ran. At the hospital everything checked out and they sent me home reassuring me I was just growing. The night pressed on and I decided to try and get some sleep. I went to bed around 9 or 10 and by 1 in the morning I had had enough. I woke my husband and we went to the emergency room. The pains were constant and I couldn't think about anything else, they were unbearable. At the hospital they checked my baby's heartbeat. It was strong, but every time the pains would come the baby's heartbeat would drop. The doctor arrived and did an ultrasound. The baby had dropped way down and the doctor informed me that we were going to have a baby tonight. I knew it was way too soon for my baby to experience the world and I dreaded what was to come. Not until she was delivered at 6:17 October 21, 2008 did I know she was a precious little girl. They did all that they could for her, but she was just too small. She passed away 6 hours later. We named her Darcy Jayne.

Now here we are, time for her to really be here and words can not explain what I feel. All these thoughts, feeling, emotions run through my head everyday and it's like there is no escaping the pain I am in. I read this quote the other day and I will leave you with it...

Sometimes love last a moment...
Sometimes love last a lifetime...
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime...

-Unknown

February 07, 2009

The month is starting to get to me. I thought I was going to make it through this alright. I was wrong. Last night my husband and I went grocery shopping and of course there were babies. All I kept thinking about was that this is our month to take our little girl shopping with us. I always thought our baby would be born in the middle of February. The doctors wanted to plan her birth for other prior medical problems that involve me, so therefore I did not think they would let me carry all the way to my due date. I try to ease my mind by telling myself that she was already here and that this month should not be different from the previous months. But, this month is different. This is the month that I could not wait to get here, the month that was going to fill our life with joy. At first, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I could not bare the fact of feeling so empty. Now, I don't feel the pressure I had on myself to be pregnant, again. It's not going to be her and that's who I want, my little Darcy. Of course it will be a new life, a beautiful life of a boy or a girl, but I should not want to fill my loneliness with another life. So, again, we are just going to let what happens, happen. We miss Darcy every single day. Everywhere I look there is a reminder of what life is like without her and what it might be if she was still with us. A couple of weeks ago my husband told me that she is still with me, she just moved up a little bit, from my tummy to my heart.

While we were grocery shopping we ran into some of my cousins. My first cousin has three beautiful girls. The middle one, she's about 6 or 7, came and asked if my baby died. And I said yes, my baby is up in heaven. She asked me, is it a boy or a girl. I said, a little girl. It's so amazing how kids think. They haven't been affected by that voice inside that says what is appropriate or what is not. They say what is on their mind. It's not a bad thing. She simply wanted to know. I know her mother was embarrassed, but it did not bother me as much as she probably thought it did. I want everyone to know about Darcy. She is a part of our lives and I don't want it to be any other way. I love talking about her, as does every other parent in the world likes to talk about their children. Mine is just an angel, watching over her mommy, instead of mommy watching over her.