Skip to main content

4 month have gone by...

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me.

I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story first… While I was still pregnant, a girl who was also pregnant started working in my office. She was a month ahead of me and of course that’s the majority of what we talked about. When I came back from my leave from work in December, she was really quiet towards me. I couldn’t blame her. I honestly had nothing to talk to her about either. She was still pregnant and I was extremely emotional. This week she came back to work from maternity leave, She was showing a new picture of her daughter to another girl in the office, when she saw me she quickly began to put it away. I smiled and asked her if I could see it. It was a picture of her baby smiling. It was a beautiful picture. I actually looked at it without getting emotional. That’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without getting upset. I’ve had other opportunities to see pictures of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to look. I think in doing this it helped me heal. I am going to try to continue to be strong.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

In my opinion

Being on bed rest has made me a reading fanatic. I usually read, but in the past week I have went through three books. Well, I am almost done with my third. As I mentioned last post I had been reading "Behind the Bell" by Dustin Diamond. I was a big "Saved by the Bell" fan in the 90s and this book supposedly told the "backstage secrets" that nobody knew about, told by nobody other than Screech himself. If anyone took the time to watch Dustin Diamond on the VH1 show "Celebrity Fit Club" they could tell what kind of treat they would be in for with this book. The stories he wrote about were pretty bogus and hard to believe, but maybe I'm wrong. You can always pick up a copy and decide for yourself. I just find it a little far fetched that he has been with over 2,000 women as he claims in one of the later chapters. To each her own I guess. I am now reading the newest release in my favorite series of books. "U if for Undertow" by Sue...
Post a Comment
Read more

My heart condition

I know I have briefly mentioned my heart condition in my blog before. I told how with my pregnancies there was a very small chance of it being passed down genetically. Fortunately that didn't happen. I am the only one in my family that has this or any type of structural heart defect. It's called Transposition of the Great Arteries, now referred to as Transposition of the Great Vessels. It's a congenital defect and there is no explanation for why it happens at this time. The defect happens while the heart is developing in the very early stages of life. The abnormality is very severe and is not compatible with life. So shortly after the baby is born he/she will need open heart surgery to correct the abnormality. This is a normal heart. This picture shows the circulation of blood. Below I have a picture of a normal heart compared to a heart with Transposition of the Great Arteries. Here you can see the structural differences. This defect does not allow the oxygena...
1 comment
Read more

Here I am!

Hey everyone! It has been a long while since I have written anything at all. I think I say that each time? Things have gone on, but nothing really worth reporting or should I say nothing that calls for working out through writing to the blog world. The things that stand out on the top of my head begin with my therapist telling me that he is leaving it up to me if I want to continue coming back on a regular basis or not. That happened at the end of June. And I actually had a feeling that it was coming. So, I guess I am "healed" or close right? hah... From the beginning his, or should I say our goal, was to get me "back to the person I was, or as close to it as possible". So, I guess that is where I am today. The next best thing to my prior self. A mommy without a child. A woman that has been to the edge and back. But, I have survived and I am still here. I think that was the point the therapist was trying to make. The next thing is, the death of Michael Jackson, Now,...
1 comment
Read more