Saturday, February 21, 2009

4 month have gone by...

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me.

I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story first… While I was still pregnant, a girl who was also pregnant started working in my office. She was a month ahead of me and of course that’s the majority of what we talked about. When I came back from my leave from work in December, she was really quiet towards me. I couldn’t blame her. I honestly had nothing to talk to her about either. She was still pregnant and I was extremely emotional. This week she came back to work from maternity leave, She was showing a new picture of her daughter to another girl in the office, when she saw me she quickly began to put it away. I smiled and asked her if I could see it. It was a picture of her baby smiling. It was a beautiful picture. I actually looked at it without getting emotional. That’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without getting upset. I’ve had other opportunities to see pictures of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to look. I think in doing this it helped me heal. I am going to try to continue to be strong.

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