The little time we have...

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me. I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story...

Today was a normal Sunday. I got up and my husband and I had breakfast together. I went off to my little side job, I guess you would call it. I work the M-F 40 hour week plus pick up a Sunday lunch waitress shift to make a couple extra bucks. I just started back to this extra job about 3 Sundays ago, the first since Darcy was born. I had worked there while I was pregnant and the regulars know me pretty well. Well, today I waited on one of the regulars and she said she had recalled me telling her I was pregnant a few months ago. I told her she was correct and she responded with a "Well you should be showing by now?". I replied with a smile on my face, trying to make the moment not so awkward "we lost her, she was born too early". Of course, you could tell the woman felt terrible for asking and that's what I hate about it when people ask me about my pregnancy. You just don't know what to say or how to act when something so terrible has happened. Her being brou...

It's 21 days from my due date. I should be so excited, but I'm not. I should be completely worn out, but I'm not. I should be putting the final touches on Darcy's nursery, but...I'm not. Four months ago, I was a happy little pregnant woman. My husband and I were so excited to be blessed with pregnancy. Everything was great for us. I'll start from the very beginning. It was in August when we first found out. We were making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. We had just ran to the store to pick up some things we needed to make dinner and I thought "Maybe I should pick up a pregnancy test?". I had been feeling a little unlike myself, so I thought "what the heck" I grabbed one and we were on our way. Back at our apartment my husband was preparing dinner and I decided to take the test, minutes later it was positive! We couldn't believe it, so I took the second one...you guessed it, positive. We weren't trying for a baby at the time, we we...

The month is starting to get to me. I thought I was going to make it through this alright. I was wrong. Last night my husband and I went grocery shopping and of course there were babies. All I kept thinking about was that this is our month to take our little girl shopping with us. I always thought our baby would be born in the middle of February. The doctors wanted to plan her birth for other prior medical problems that involve me, so therefore I did not think they would let me carry all the way to my due date. I try to ease my mind by telling myself that she was already here and that this month should not be different from the previous months. But, this month is different. This is the month that I could not wait to get here, the month that was going to fill our life with joy. At first, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I could not bare the fact of feeling so empty. Now, I don't feel the pressure I had on myself to be pregnant, again. It's not going to be her and that's...