February 07, 2009

The month is starting to get to me. I thought I was going to make it through this alright. I was wrong. Last night my husband and I went grocery shopping and of course there were babies. All I kept thinking about was that this is our month to take our little girl shopping with us. I always thought our baby would be born in the middle of February. The doctors wanted to plan her birth for other prior medical problems that involve me, so therefore I did not think they would let me carry all the way to my due date. I try to ease my mind by telling myself that she was already here and that this month should not be different from the previous months. But, this month is different. This is the month that I could not wait to get here, the month that was going to fill our life with joy. At first, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I could not bare the fact of feeling so empty. Now, I don't feel the pressure I had on myself to be pregnant, again. It's not going to be her and that's who I want, my little Darcy. Of course it will be a new life, a beautiful life of a boy or a girl, but I should not want to fill my loneliness with another life. So, again, we are just going to let what happens, happen. We miss Darcy every single day. Everywhere I look there is a reminder of what life is like without her and what it might be if she was still with us. A couple of weeks ago my husband told me that she is still with me, she just moved up a little bit, from my tummy to my heart.

While we were grocery shopping we ran into some of my cousins. My first cousin has three beautiful girls. The middle one, she's about 6 or 7, came and asked if my baby died. And I said yes, my baby is up in heaven. She asked me, is it a boy or a girl. I said, a little girl. It's so amazing how kids think. They haven't been affected by that voice inside that says what is appropriate or what is not. They say what is on their mind. It's not a bad thing. She simply wanted to know. I know her mother was embarrassed, but it did not bother me as much as she probably thought it did. I want everyone to know about Darcy. She is a part of our lives and I don't want it to be any other way. I love talking about her, as does every other parent in the world likes to talk about their children. Mine is just an angel, watching over her mommy, instead of mommy watching over her.