Skip to main content

11 days

As the year mark inches closer I find myself thinking about the night that I went to the hospital. I find myself thinking about the moment she was born. I find myself thinking about the moment the doctors told me there was no hope.

I remember when my OB told me that she was coming and I just looked at my husband who was just looking back at me. I was totally frozen. I don't know if I was in shock or if it was from the pain medication that was flowing through my system. All I knew, was that it was too soon. I remember them telling me that she was measuring smaller than what they originally thought she was. They told us that we had a choice. A choice to hold our daughter while she left this world or they could transfer her an hour away to another hospital. But, they did not believe she would survive the ambulance ride. I was frozen.

We sent her an hour away. My husband went along and I stayed admitted into the hospital. Somebody who is reading this right now is probably thinking, "why didn't you go with her?". Honestly I am thinking the same thing. I don't know. During that time I really didn't know what to do, what to expect, what was right, what was wrong. I just knew she deserved a chance. And she did survive the ambulance ride. A few hours later I made it to her when they told me things were changing. I was numb. Not until I saw her again did I realize how tiny she actually was. My finger tip was the size of her palm. For the first time I broke down in tears. I keep thinking she should still be safe inside my belly. And now I think she should be safe inside the house that I sit in now.

11 days from now marks a year from when my world came crashing down.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

To give thanks

Yup, this is about how I felt this afternoon after our gigantic meal for our tiny family of 3 (which Elliot ate NONE of).  *Sigh* Got to love 2-year-olds! Thankful for family, friends, good food, good wine and our health! To name a few :-)

Oh, what a day

I'm feeling a little blah today. It's beautiful outside and I am stuck indoors. Maybe I will go sit out on the porch for a little bit this afternoon. Technically it is indoors since the porch is glassed in, right? This is going to start to get hard now since it is getting so nice outside. My Aunt loaned me her full disc set of all the seasons of the show "Friends" a few weeks ago. I didn't realize there were so many of them! I'm a little halfway through and have made it a personal goal of mine to get to the end. Then next on my list is "Desperate Housewives", which another aunt loaned me. I've moved away from my reading phase. I don't know what it is, but I have always been like that. I will read like crazy for a straight month or so and then stop cold turkey for who knows how long. Hopefully the baby bedding comes in tomorrow like it is supposed to so we can, well more like so Chris can go get the paint for the walls in the baby's ...

Silly faces

Elliot already has many silly faces that she makes.  Like this one... I think she is already practicing the clueless look of "I didn't do it!".  I don't know how I am going to scold a cute face like that.  I am sure when I have crayon all over my living room wall it will be much easier. This is the look of, "Mom, that flash is way too bright!".   This next one is one of my personal favorites...  It says, "Yeah, I'm cute.  So what?". And last, but not least... "Listen to me scream!"  Gee, I wonder where she got it from?