Two weeks from today I will be on the other side of my open heart surgery. I have moments of great excitement for the time to be here and then moments of shear fear of what could go wrong. I guess this is all normal for anyone facing a major surgery. I made the surgery date in early July and it feels like time is just moving at a snail's pace. I am looking forward to feeling better and being able to do things that I couldn't endure before. Maybe I'll be able to run? Maybe I'll be able to sit on the floor with my daughter without my legs falling asleep almost immediately. Maybe climbing a hill won't be so difficult and I won't have to stop every 10 feet to catch my breath. I keep telling myself if 18-month-old me can do it, 30-year-old me can do it.
Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me. I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story
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