The little time we have...

Big disappointing day...well I guess it could have been worse. Here's the scoop. So, we went for our appointment today and we were so excited cause today was the day when we could from here on out start calling our baby the correct sex when we talked about him/her.  We had told everyone that today was the day we were going to find out, if the baby cooperated that is. As the nurse took at back to the room we would be in I noticed we had followed her into the room without the ultrasound machine...I asked "I thought I was getting an ultrasound today?". She replied, "no, your are only 16 weeks and that is too early to tell". As I thought in my head "bullshit!" excuse my language, but it is not too early. I said "I thought I was 17 weeks". And she responds "well, anyhow we wait until 20 weeks for that". grrrrrrr. Me and Chris were extremely disappointed. I couldn't believe that I had gotton my hopes so high to find out and told

So, I've really been slacking lately with the updating my blog and taking new pictures each week. I'm almost 17 weeks and I haven't taken a picture since 14 weeks. I guess I thought I haven't changed too much to post one every single week. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a 16 weeker up. My cerclage procedure went well. Except I was awake for the entire thing! Which is what I was not wanting. I think my past history kind of freaked them out...open heart surgery, pacemaker surgery. So, I can understand that. They gave me a spinal block which burnt like hell, but not for long. Soon I couldn't feel the lower half of my body and it was really freaky if I thought about it too hard. So, I stared at the ceiling for the 30 minutes it took and listened to what they talk about when you are supposed to be asleep during an "operation". I was just amazed by what I could not feel. I've never had a spinal block before and it's just so strange how you can have no c

On Monday I went for my pre-assessment and testing at the hospital. They took some blood and asked me a butt load of questions. It actually didn't take as long as I thought. With my medical history I figured I would be there all morning. My cervical cerclage will be placed next week on Thursday. I'm a little nervous, but more anxious to get it over with. We went to my OB yesterday and heard the heartbeat. The heartbeat was strong around 160 and we even heard some kicks in there. He/She is always very active when we catch a glimpse in there, so I wasn't surprised. I'm so proud of our little one! My OB talked about the procedure a lot and how simple and quick it would be. He said the actual procedure takes about 10 minutes then I would be sent to observation for a few hours to monitor for contractions and monitor the baby's heartbeat every hour while I'm there. The only thing I'm really nervous about is being awake the whole time. I know it only takes 10 min

I hope everybody had a safe and happy holiday! I can't believe my four day weekend is almost over! But, I've had a great time off. Thanksgiving we spent at my parent's house with a couple of my aunts. We had chili and spent the afternoon talking. Then that evening Chris and I made an awesome dinner and had two of our very good friends over. Since my Mom decided to just make chili that day, since her side of the family got together later on in the weekend, I just had to make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! Especially since I can indulge this year without too much guilt. It was a great holiday spent with family and friends. I didn't join in on the black Friday madness. I just don't do that sort of thing. Saturdays at the grocery store stresses me out. We did however go out later that afternoon when it was much calmer. Today was my side of the family's big get together. It was a very nice time and great food, again! But, it was hard to go through another h

It's a little blurry and I kind of posted it late since I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. And that's not an outtie already!!! It's my shirt I promise!

So, this is pretty much a rant and I apologize ahead of time for this, but sometimes you just have to get it off your chest. There is a girl at work that every time I mention about something aching or happening to me that I link to my pregnancy she insists that it's not related to my pregnancy. What the heck? She has no idea what is going on with my body! I'll just give an example from this morning. When I woke up my side hut, my lower side. So, when she asked me what was wrong today I told her my side hurt. She's like "from what?" and I said, "probably from me getting fatter". Now, before I tell you what she said, let me back up my theory of why I thought this was the reason for my side hurting. I read on one of my MANY pregnancy info sites that one of the symptoms I could be having is my side hurting from stretching, growing, ya know. Well, she says "I highly doubt that." I could understand if this girl that I work with has never been pregnan

So, I fell asleep at my desk at work today. I was so stinking tired after lunch that I just thought I would lay my head down for a few minutes and close my eyes for just a second and I just kept nodding off! Thank goodness everyone knows I'm pregnant or they would think I needed more sleep. I went to bed at 9 o'clock last night! There should be some kind of rule enforced about nap time after lunch, especially for pregnant women. Like kindergarten...when you refused to sleep! Now, I would give up an hour of pay to have that back! I also sneaked down to the radiology department early this morning to have one of the techs peek at my little baby. I work at a hospital and they all know what I've been through, so the girl that was down there didn't hesitate when I asked. Even though I just had an ultrasound on Tuesday. Anyway, baby was there and bouncing around with a strong heartbeat at 183! I'm going to keep my freak outs to a minimum and try not to bug them too muc

Like my pregnancy with Darcy, I do not have any morning sickness. It's actually the opposite. If I don't eat, I get nauseated and I get a headache. I won't feel like eating, but I force myself to cause I know it will make me feel better. So, I just eat often to prevent that from happening! I do consider myself pretty lucky in that aspect. If it wasn't for the positive pregnancy test and all the appointments I'm going to I wouldn't know I was pregnant. Oh yeah, and the constant trips to the bathroom. How could I forget those? I'm craving sub sandwiches . Turkey and cheese subs with lettuce and mayo is what I'm usually asking for. Unfortunately, I am craving sweets. Halloween was a killer. I ate way too much candy! Darcy didn't like sweets. I never craved them with her. I so wish I could turn away sugar now. But, I've been able to control myself a little more...even though I just devoured fried ice cream from the Mexican restaurant in town. Bad m

I've been keeping it a secret for a little while now. We are so very excited, but also so very nervous. We went for our third ultrasound today and everything looks "excellent". That is a direct quote from our doctor! The heart rate was 185, up from 140 three weeks ago! I'm 10 weeks, so we have a little while before we find out if we are having another girl or a little boy. Since our daughter was born at 21 weeks from my lovely incompetent cervix, I just love that name, but I guess it gets the point across, I will be getting a cervical cerclage at 15 weeks. He described it like this, " Have you ever had one of this draw string purses? It's pretty much like that". HAH! Whatever as long as it holds this little baby in there! The surgery will be December 17th. I'm a litter nervous and I'm sure I'll be a lot nervous as the date gets closer, but I will do whatever it takes! Today our little baby was moving around a lot in there and was showing off

I will think of not only my child, but all of the precious babies that could not stay with us here on earth. It is sad we have to have a day for this kind of thing. It breaks my heart to think that others have suffered the same kind of loss. I never knew this day existed until I experienced the death of our daughter. We miss her so much and think about her all the time. We love and miss you greatly, Darcy Jayne.

As the year mark inches closer I find myself thinking about the night that I went to the hospital. I find myself thinking about the moment she was born. I find myself thinking about the moment the doctors told me there was no hope. I remember when my OB told me that she was coming and I just looked at my husband who was just looking back at me. I was totally frozen. I don't know if I was in shock or if it was from the pain medication that was flowing through my system. All I knew, was that it was too soon. I remember them telling me that she was measuring smaller than what they originally thought she was. They told us that we had a choice. A choice to hold our daughter while she left this world or they could transfer her an hour away to another hospital. But, they did not believe she would survive the ambulance ride. I was frozen. We sent her an hour away. My husband went along and I stayed admitted into the hospital. Somebody who is reading this right now is probably thinking, &qu

1. Wonder if every twinge or pain in your lower abdomen is from ovulation. 2. Clean the bathroom. 3. Google every possible symptom that could mean you are ovulating. 4. Mop the kitchen floor. 5. Watch last weeks episode of Jon and Kate plus eight. 6. Eat a whole pizza by yourself because you just know you have all the signs that you googled and you will need the extra calories very soon. 7. Count your days AGAIN on the calendar just in case you screwed up the last 100 times you counted them. No, I never went a bought a kit. If I get a negative I will just be in denial. Maybe I will get one tomorrow...maybe I won't Maybe I will just wait for a few weeks and see what happens.

As I mentioned a while back, I went to the OB/GYN doctor on the fourth of August. He ran some blood work to see my progesterone , FSH and LH levels.They all came back showing the classic signs of PCOS . But, I have a great doctor and he is determined to get me ovulating regularly. He says I obviously don't have a problem getting pregnant, since I've been there twice before, it's just my ovulation is out of whack. Yes, I said twice before. In February we found out that I was pregnant again, four days later I lost it. I was only five weeks along. We didn't tell our families just a few close friends. Anyway, after the test results came back my doctor started me on Metformin . I've heard of women with PCOS taking this because of insulin resistance and it helps them to regulate, but he told me that it would help decrease the risk of a miscarriage. So I started that on the eleventh. Aunt flow decided not to show up this month so he prescribed me Prometrium (progesteron

So, I had my appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. It took an hour to see him and for him to tell me what they probably could have achieved over the phone...anyhow he wrote an order to check my progesterone level and some other things before he prescribes me something to help me ovulate. He says he is either going to give me metformin or Clomid. I was kind of expecting those drugs to come up sooner or later. I work at a hospital, so I got my blood work done ASAP and looked at the results today. One of the tests are not in, but my progesterone level was. It was very low. There is the culprit! So, my guess is he is going to put me on Clomid to get me ovulating since my body doesn't want to do it on it's own. He told me to call his office next Tuesday...hah if that last test comes in tomorrow you can bet your you know what that I am calling tomorrow! So, there is where I stand for right now. I hope this is as simple as he is making it sound and I can be happily pregnant soon.

All the blogs I follow are gone! Am I the only one having this problem? I hope it's just a mistake and they will all be back! YIKES!

Hey everyone! It has been a long while since I have written anything at all. I think I say that each time? Things have gone on, but nothing really worth reporting or should I say nothing that calls for working out through writing to the blog world. The things that stand out on the top of my head begin with my therapist telling me that he is leaving it up to me if I want to continue coming back on a regular basis or not. That happened at the end of June. And I actually had a feeling that it was coming. So, I guess I am "healed" or close right? hah... From the beginning his, or should I say our goal, was to get me "back to the person I was, or as close to it as possible". So, I guess that is where I am today. The next best thing to my prior self. A mommy without a child. A woman that has been to the edge and back. But, I have survived and I am still here. I think that was the point the therapist was trying to make. The next thing is, the death of Michael Jackson, Now,

I am so glad the weekend is over with! It was a bad one. Chris, my husband, lost his grandmother over the weekend. We were all very close to her and it was very sudden and unexpected. We just saw her last weekend and I think it hasn't truly became a reality yet. She was a wonderful woman and will greatly be missed. It's so amazing how things can change in the matter of minutes. I know most of you have experienced this in many different ways. Some, unfortunately more tragically than others. It's just a reminder that we are not in control of the big picture. When I was a very young girl I remember attending church. Really, attending Sunday school. Which, mostly consisted of arts and crafts with a little lesson to go along with it. Before I was old enough to think for myself and really understand what the Bible was all about, we stopped going to church. I have always believed in God and the Bible, but I've never studied it all. I always just called myself a believer. When

The last 24-hours have proven how quick things can take a turn. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we have suffered a loss very recently. Thank you...

Here are a couple of pictures from the walk on April 19, 2009 that I've been meaning to post. I absent mindedly left my camera at home that day...my husband took some pictures of the poster we made in memory of Darcy and the memory mile sign on his phone. I will try to get those posted sometime in the near future.

I take back what I said yesterday. My life is not going back together...I kind of had a break down at work today. After that post yesterday, it all started going downhill. Can we say rollarcoaster much? ugh! When will I be "normal" again? I know I will never be the person I was a year ago, which is fine...but, when will all of the... I'm good.... Not so good.... I think I could curl up and die.... Oh, no I'm alright.... Why can't I have my daughter... Oh, no I can handle looking at a baby.... Get that baby away from me... stop?

Hey all! I haven't been a very good blogger lately! I'm sneaking this one in at work!I hope to write a lengthy post soon. It's a lovely day today! I feel like things are finally getting put back together. I hope it stays going in that direction. I hope you all are having a wonderful day like me!

Oh, how I wish my daughter was here to celebrate this day with us. If you were here with us I would have picked out the most beautiful Easter dress for you and you would have looked perfect. We would have went to your grandparents' houses and you would have been smothered with love. I don't think I realized how hard this day is without you until I started writing this post. I would have bought you the softest stuffed bunny rabbit I could find to put in your crib. What I would do to have you in my arms again. But, you are celebrating Easter in the best place that one could celebrate Easter. We love you!

Thank goodness it is Friday! I was so happy when I woke up this morning and remembered that today is Friday. Payday at that! I don't know why payday excites me, as all the money goes to some sort of bill! But, I'm thankful that I can pay them. This weekend is exciting though because I can enjoy it without being sick! Plus I get to go to lunch with my dear friend who I love having lunch with because we can relate to a lot of the same things. Guess that is why we are friends! As the week comes to a close I like to reflect on what has happened during last 5 days. It's crazy how so many ups and downs occur in such a small time frame. No major occurrences (thank goodness) but, one that make you stop and think where you are. This week I discovered that one of my co-workers in my department is expecting. I still don't know why I have the feelings that I do.I should be happy for the ones around me, but I still feel some sort of jealousy. I want so bad to feel excited and happy

I am so excited about the March of Dimes walk next month! I love doing this because it makes me feel even closer to my daughter. It lets people know that she was someone that was here and they acknowledge her more. I just want everyone to realize and be aware of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. For example, when I was pregnant with Darcy I never in a million years knew something like this could happen. That could be my own ignorance or lack of education, but I'm sure I'm not the only one unaware of a woman having a weak cervix. The night I went into the hospital before giving birth to Darcy I was in a lot of pain, but I never dreamed that I was in labor. I just thought I'd go in and get checked out and come home happy and still pregnant. The thought of coming home without my baby never crossed my mind. The March of Dimes gives mothers a chance to honor their babies that they have lost and let other know about them. I expect that day will be filled with many te

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me. I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story

Today was a normal Sunday. I got up and my husband and I had breakfast together. I went off to my little side job, I guess you would call it. I work the M-F 40 hour week plus pick up a Sunday lunch waitress shift to make a couple extra bucks. I just started back to this extra job about 3 Sundays ago, the first since Darcy was born. I had worked there while I was pregnant and the regulars know me pretty well. Well, today I waited on one of the regulars and she said she had recalled me telling her I was pregnant a few months ago. I told her she was correct and she responded with a "Well you should be showing by now?". I replied with a smile on my face, trying to make the moment not so awkward "we lost her, she was born too early". Of course, you could tell the woman felt terrible for asking and that's what I hate about it when people ask me about my pregnancy. You just don't know what to say or how to act when something so terrible has happened. Her being brou

It's 21 days from my due date. I should be so excited, but I'm not. I should be completely worn out, but I'm not. I should be putting the final touches on Darcy's nursery, but...I'm not. Four months ago, I was a happy little pregnant woman. My husband and I were so excited to be blessed with pregnancy. Everything was great for us. I'll start from the very beginning. It was in August when we first found out. We were making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. We had just ran to the store to pick up some things we needed to make dinner and I thought "Maybe I should pick up a pregnancy test?". I had been feeling a little unlike myself, so I thought "what the heck" I grabbed one and we were on our way. Back at our apartment my husband was preparing dinner and I decided to take the test, minutes later it was positive! We couldn't believe it, so I took the second one...you guessed it, positive. We weren't trying for a baby at the time, we we

The month is starting to get to me. I thought I was going to make it through this alright. I was wrong. Last night my husband and I went grocery shopping and of course there were babies. All I kept thinking about was that this is our month to take our little girl shopping with us. I always thought our baby would be born in the middle of February. The doctors wanted to plan her birth for other prior medical problems that involve me, so therefore I did not think they would let me carry all the way to my due date. I try to ease my mind by telling myself that she was already here and that this month should not be different from the previous months. But, this month is different. This is the month that I could not wait to get here, the month that was going to fill our life with joy. At first, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I could not bare the fact of feeling so empty. Now, I don't feel the pressure I had on myself to be pregnant, again. It's not going to be her and that's