Tuesday, December 29, 2009

It's a!

Big disappointing day...well I guess it could have been worse. Here's the scoop.

So, we went for our appointment today and we were so excited cause today was the day when we could from here on out start calling our baby the correct sex when we talked about him/her.  We had told everyone that today was the day we were going to find out, if the baby cooperated that is.

As the nurse took at back to the room we would be in I noticed we had followed her into the room without the ultrasound machine...I asked "I thought I was getting an ultrasound today?". She replied, "no, your are only 16 weeks and that is too early to tell". As I thought in my head "bullshit!" excuse my language, but it is not too early. I said "I thought I was 17 weeks". And she responds "well, anyhow we wait until 20 weeks for that".

grrrrrrr. Me and Chris were extremely disappointed. I couldn't believe that I had gotton my hopes so high to find out and told all these people and now I have to tell them that we didn't find out today. Oh, well I guess they will have to live with it just like we are.

So, we go back January 19th and we will for sure know then. That was straight from the doctor's mouth. I can wait three more weeks, right?

On a better note everything is fine with me and the baby. That was good to hear. We heard the heartbeat after the baby gave the doctor a good round of hide and seek. It was around 160.

So now, here's to a quick three weeks!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Incase you were wondering

So, I've really been slacking lately with the updating my blog and taking new pictures each week. I'm almost 17 weeks and I haven't taken a picture since 14 weeks. I guess I thought I haven't changed too much to post one every single week. Hopefully tomorrow I will get a 16 weeker up.

My cerclage procedure went well. Except I was awake for the entire thing! Which is what I was not wanting. I think my past history kind of freaked them out...open heart surgery, pacemaker surgery. So, I can understand that. They gave me a spinal block which burnt like hell, but not for long. Soon I couldn't feel the lower half of my body and it was really freaky if I thought about it too hard. So, I stared at the ceiling for the 30 minutes it took and listened to what they talk about when you are supposed to be asleep during an "operation". I was just amazed by what I could not feel. I've never had a spinal block before and it's just so strange how you can have no control of anything down there. The doctor must have sensed my tension cause soon I heard him order a shot of something that made me relax and a little loopy.

Soon they wheeled me out and into recovery and I sat there for about 40 minutes cause my blood pressure was low, which it runs low anyhow. But, they wanted to monitor me to be safe I guess. I just wanted to get up to the OB floor so they would feed me! lol Finally after raising and lowering the head of the bed a million times and taking my blood pressure a zillion I guess they got a reading that they were happy with and off to observation I went.

My husband was waiting for me outside the doors and I was happy to see his smiling face. I was finally getting the feeling back in my toes and able to wiggle them a little as they settled me in for a couple hours stay on the OB floor. After a cervical cerclage they like to monitor the baby's heartbeat and monitor the uterus for contractions. The baby was being stubborn that day and would not let the OB nurses get a good listen to his/her heartbeat to be able to count it. So, my doctor had to get the ultrasound machine and pinpoint the little booger. At least I got to see baby bouncing around in there for a few seconds!

After two hours, lunch, no contractions, another listen to the heartbeat and proving I could walk to the bathroom and dress myself we were free to go! The next couple of days were a little rough. It felt like I had exercised all that day and ran a few miles instead of laying in a hospital bed all day. I guess it was from being in the weird positions in the operating room. If I ever have to do that again I think I am going to request a stretch and warm-up before for they take me back!

Other than that nothing is new to report and we had a great Christmas! Chris got me a Doppler to listen to our little one's heartbeat. (what a good Dad!) Maybe I'll get experimental and try to record it on the computer. I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Tomorrow is the big day! Well, hopefully. If our little one cooperates we will get to see if he or she is a...well, HE OR SHE! Our little Darcy bug was always modest and never let us take a good peek to see she was a little girl until she was here.

So, here's to tomorrow!

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

8 days to go

On Monday I went for my pre-assessment and testing at the hospital. They took some blood and asked me a butt load of questions. It actually didn't take as long as I thought. With my medical history I figured I would be there all morning.

My cervical cerclage will be placed next week on Thursday. I'm a little nervous, but more anxious to get it over with. We went to my OB yesterday and heard the heartbeat. The heartbeat was strong around 160 and we even heard some kicks in there. He/She is always very active when we catch a glimpse in there, so I wasn't surprised. I'm so proud of our little one! My OB talked about the procedure a lot and how simple and quick it would be. He said the actual procedure takes about 10 minutes then I would be sent to observation for a few hours to monitor for contractions and monitor the baby's heartbeat every hour while I'm there. The only thing I'm really nervous about is being awake the whole time. I know it only takes 10 minutes, but I don't want to know what is going on down there! I will either get IV sedation or a spinal block. The IV might knock me out if I get that for anesthesia. Then on the 29th we will go back and get an ultrasound. Hopefully then we will know boy or girl! I'll be 16 weeks at that point. So I'm counting...8 days!

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thanksgiving weekend

I hope everybody had a safe and happy holiday! I can't believe my four day weekend is almost over! But, I've had a great time off.

Thanksgiving we spent at my parent's house with a couple of my aunts. We had chili and spent the afternoon talking. Then that evening Chris and I made an awesome dinner and had two of our very good friends over. Since my Mom decided to just make chili that day, since her side of the family got together later on in the weekend, I just had to make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner! Especially since I can indulge this year without too much guilt. It was a great holiday spent with family and friends.

I didn't join in on the black Friday madness. I just don't do that sort of thing. Saturdays at the grocery store stresses me out. We did however go out later that afternoon when it was much calmer.

Today was my side of the family's big get together. It was a very nice time and great food, again! But, it was hard to go through another holiday without our daughter. A lot of the time I just stop and think what it would be like for her to be here with us. How different it would be. Then again, this little baby growing inside me wouldn't be here if she was. It's just so hard. It's hard to wrap my head around sometimes. I have to shake all the thoughts away and just be in the moment.

I am really not ready to go back to work, but then again I am ready to get this week over with. December 8th is our next appointment and I am ready to see how our little baby is doing in there. I'm nervous to be honest. I'm just waiting for the bad news to drop. I know I can't be like that, but it's hard not to when you have had all your dreams shattered.

I am thankful that we got to meet our daughter for the very short time she was with us.
I am thankful for the new chance, the new life that I am also looking forward to meeting.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

11 week bump

It's a little blurry and I kind of posted it late since I'll be 12 weeks tomorrow. And that's not an outtie already!!! It's my shirt I promise!

Monday, November 16, 2009

Warning...this could get messy

So, this is pretty much a rant and I apologize ahead of time for this, but sometimes you just have to get it off your chest. There is a girl at work that every time I mention about something aching or happening to me that I link to my pregnancy she insists that it's not related to my pregnancy. What the heck? She has no idea what is going on with my body! I'll just give an example from this morning. When I woke up my side hut, my lower side. So, when she asked me what was wrong today I told her my side hurt. She's like "from what?" and I said, "probably from me getting fatter". Now, before I tell you what she said, let me back up my theory of why I thought this was the reason for my side hurting. I read on one of my MANY pregnancy info sites that one of the symptoms I could be having is my side hurting from stretching, growing, ya know. Well, she says "I highly doubt that." I could understand if this girl that I work with has never been pregnant before, but her child is 13 years old! She's been through all this before. This just adds on to all the rest of the comments she's made. She treats me like I have never been pregnant before. About a month ago, before we got to hear this baby's heartbeat, she proceeded to mimic what a baby's heartbeat over the Doppler sounded like and kept saying "that's what it sounds like"! I'm thinking "um hello, where you not here like a little over a year ago when I went through all this before?" Maybe I'm just sensitive or emotional or what ever else I want to blame it on, but it really irks me that she makes comments like this.

Besides that, everything is going great! My stomach seems to be growing, so that is good. I have another three weeks until my next OB appointment and another four weeks until the cerclage! YAY! I started walking today on my break at work. Hopefully I will keep at it so I "don't gain too much weight" as my cardiologist said two weeks ago. Oh, plus I went to the dentist last Tuesday and my gums still hurt and I have a sore that I just keep irritating when I brush. It's really painful and I wish it would heal. If it doesn't heal this week I'm going to make a phone call to my doctor. I know your gums are sensitive when you are pregnant, but dang!

Thanks for listening to me gripe!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Recommended sleep time for a pregnant woman is???

So, I fell asleep at my desk at work today. I was so stinking tired after lunch that I just thought I would lay my head down for a few minutes and close my eyes for just a second and I just kept nodding off! Thank goodness everyone knows I'm pregnant or they would think I needed more sleep. I went to bed at 9 o'clock last night!

There should be some kind of rule enforced about nap time after lunch, especially for pregnant women. Like kindergarten...when you refused to sleep! Now, I would give up an hour of pay to have that back!

I also sneaked down to the radiology department early this morning to have one of the techs peek at my little baby. I work at a hospital and they all know what I've been through, so the girl that was down there didn't hesitate when I asked. Even though I just had an ultrasound on Tuesday. Anyway, baby was there and bouncing around with a strong heartbeat at 183! I'm going to keep my freak outs to a minimum and try not to bug them too much!

I really should be in bed now, but I'm working on being a better blogger.  But, I'm headed there now! Night!

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Two of a kind

Like my pregnancy with Darcy, I do not have any morning sickness. It's actually the opposite. If I don't eat, I get nauseated and I get a headache. I won't feel like eating, but I force myself to cause I know it will make me feel better. So, I just eat often to prevent that from happening! I do consider myself pretty lucky in that aspect. If it wasn't for the positive pregnancy test and all the appointments I'm going to I wouldn't know I was pregnant. Oh yeah, and the constant trips to the bathroom. How could I forget those?

I'm craving sub sandwiches . Turkey and cheese subs with lettuce and mayo is what I'm usually asking for. Unfortunately, I am craving sweets. Halloween was a killer. I ate way too much candy! Darcy didn't like sweets. I never craved them with her. I so wish I could turn away sugar now. But, I've been able to control myself a little more...even though I just devoured fried ice cream from the Mexican restaurant in town. Bad me!!! 

I feel so much better that we have told everyone. I'm still nervous that I will have to reverse it all and give people ugly news. But, our doctor (the same doctor that took care of me with Darcy) seems confident that we will get a healthy baby this time around. He's been so good to us and he cares so much.

Yesterday we saw our baby. In a short three weeks he/she went from this...

A blur with no real distinction from head to bottom turn into this.....

A baby with two arms and two legs that wiggled around and even gave us a little wave.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

I'm pregnant!

I've been keeping it a secret for a little while now. We are so very excited, but also so very nervous. We went for our third ultrasound today and everything looks "excellent". That is a direct quote from our doctor! The heart rate was 185, up from 140 three weeks ago! I'm 10 weeks, so we have a little while before we find out if we are having another girl or a little boy.

Since our daughter was born at 21 weeks from my lovely incompetent cervix, I just love that name, but I guess it gets the point across, I will be getting a cervical cerclage at 15 weeks. He described it like this, " Have you ever had one of this draw string purses? It's pretty much like that". HAH! Whatever as long as it holds this little baby in there! The surgery will be December 17th. I'm a litter nervous and I'm sure I'll be a lot nervous as the date gets closer, but I will do whatever it takes!

Today our little baby was moving around a lot in there and was showing off quite a bit. Just like big sis. She always was a wiggler and loved to move those arms all about too.

We are so proud of our new little baby and without further adieu...

Thursday, October 15, 2009

When I light my candle tonight

I will think of not only my child, but all of the precious babies that could not stay with us here on earth. It is sad we have to have a day for this kind of thing. It breaks my heart to think that others have suffered the same kind of loss. I never knew this day existed until I experienced the death of our daughter.

We miss her so much and think about her all the time.

We love and miss you greatly, Darcy Jayne.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Saturday, October 10, 2009

11 days

As the year mark inches closer I find myself thinking about the night that I went to the hospital. I find myself thinking about the moment she was born. I find myself thinking about the moment the doctors told me there was no hope.

I remember when my OB told me that she was coming and I just looked at my husband who was just looking back at me. I was totally frozen. I don't know if I was in shock or if it was from the pain medication that was flowing through my system. All I knew, was that it was too soon. I remember them telling me that she was measuring smaller than what they originally thought she was. They told us that we had a choice. A choice to hold our daughter while she left this world or they could transfer her an hour away to another hospital. But, they did not believe she would survive the ambulance ride. I was frozen.

We sent her an hour away. My husband went along and I stayed admitted into the hospital. Somebody who is reading this right now is probably thinking, "why didn't you go with her?". Honestly I am thinking the same thing. I don't know. During that time I really didn't know what to do, what to expect, what was right, what was wrong. I just knew she deserved a chance. And she did survive the ambulance ride. A few hours later I made it to her when they told me things were changing. I was numb. Not until I saw her again did I realize how tiny she actually was. My finger tip was the size of her palm. For the first time I broke down in tears. I keep thinking she should still be safe inside my belly. And now I think she should be safe inside the house that I sit in now.

11 days from now marks a year from when my world came crashing down.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009


1. Wonder if every twinge or pain in your lower abdomen is from ovulation.
2. Clean the bathroom.
3. Google every possible symptom that could mean you are ovulating.
4. Mop the kitchen floor.
5. Watch last weeks episode of Jon and Kate plus eight.
6. Eat a whole pizza by yourself because you just know you have all the signs that you googled and you will need the extra calories very soon.
7. Count your days AGAIN on the calendar just in case you screwed up the last 100 times you counted them.

No, I never went a bought a kit. If I get a negative I will just be in denial. Maybe I will get one tomorrow...maybe I won't Maybe I will just wait for a few weeks and see what happens.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Pills...pills...more pills?!

As I mentioned a while back, I went to the OB/GYN doctor on the fourth of August. He ran some blood work to see my progesterone, FSH and LH levels.They all came back showing the classic signs of PCOS. But, I have a great doctor and he is determined to get me ovulating regularly. He says I obviously don't have a problem getting pregnant, since I've been there twice before, it's just my ovulation is out of whack. Yes, I said twice before. In February we found out that I was pregnant again, four days later I lost it. I was only five weeks along. We didn't tell our families just a few close friends. Anyway, after the test results came back my doctor started me on Metformin. I've heard of women with PCOS taking this because of insulin resistance and it helps them to regulate, but he told me that it would help decrease the risk of a miscarriage. So I started that on the eleventh. Aunt flow decided not to show up this month so he prescribed me Prometrium (progesterone hormone) to induce the monthly visitor. I started that on the thirteenth. I've been on this before to induce aunt flow so I could be put on birth control and let me tell you, you don't want to be around me, I get pretty..well...hormonal I guess you could say lol.Last, but not least is the Clomid! yay! I start the first round tomorrow, day five of my cycle. I take it through days five and nine. Than I get more blood work a week or so later to see if everything is working. So of course being the freak that I am I set out and have Googled for the good part of last night about success stories on Clomid and how many rounds it usually takes. I have read about women getting pregnant on round one, but the most promising so far is the third it looks like. But, I'm hoping since I don't have a problem getting pregnant that it will be the first round.Everyone keep your fingers crossed!

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Long awaited appointment

So, I had my appointment with my OBGYN yesterday. It took an hour to see him and for him to tell me what they probably could have achieved over the phone...anyhow he wrote an order to check my progesterone level and some other things before he prescribes me something to help me ovulate. He says he is either going to give me metformin or Clomid. I was kind of expecting those drugs to come up sooner or later. I work at a hospital, so I got my blood work done ASAP and looked at the results today. One of the tests are not in, but my progesterone level was. It was very low. There is the culprit! So, my guess is he is going to put me on Clomid to get me ovulating since my body doesn't want to do it on it's own. He told me to call his office next Tuesday...hah if that last test comes in tomorrow you can bet your you know what that I am calling tomorrow! So, there is where I stand for right now. I hope this is as simple as he is making it sound and I can be happily pregnant soon.

Thursday, July 23, 2009


All the blogs I follow are gone! Am I the only one having this problem? I hope it's just a mistake and they will all be back! YIKES!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Here I am!

Hey everyone! It has been a long while since I have written anything at all. I think I say that each time? Things have gone on, but nothing really worth reporting or should I say nothing that calls for working out through writing to the blog world. The things that stand out on the top of my head begin with my therapist telling me that he is leaving it up to me if I want to continue coming back on a regular basis or not. That happened at the end of June. And I actually had a feeling that it was coming. So, I guess I am "healed" or close right? hah... From the beginning his, or should I say our goal, was to get me "back to the person I was, or as close to it as possible". So, I guess that is where I am today. The next best thing to my prior self. A mommy without a child. A woman that has been to the edge and back. But, I have survived and I am still here. I think that was the point the therapist was trying to make.

The next thing is, the death of Michael Jackson, Now, I am not going to go into great detail about this because that would just bring up a lot of controversy and I am not one who is good with opinions flying about. I will just say that he was an extraordinary entertainer that left this world too soon and will greatly be missed.

And to bring us up to the present, my husband just returned from Florida. YAY! His father, brother and himself for the past three years have traveled to Florida to partake in deep sea fishing. He is gone for four or five days and I get absolutely no sleep! I cannot sleep in an empty house. Call me chicken, but it's true. Plus I missed him a great deal, so I am glad he is home. And we are up to out eyeballs in fish.

Now here is the reason for this catching up entry. Before I was pregnant with our daughter Darcy, I always believed that having a child wasn't going to be easy. Not the child part, the pregnancy part. When I was in high school I was diagnosed with polycystic ovaries. I never, ever was regular and I truly believed I would need medical intervention for me to even get pregnant. When I meet my now husband, many years later we had discussed it and decided we would cross that bridge when we came to it. Well obviously I didn't need any help because two months after the wedding we had our little miracle growing inside of me. I say miracle because me getting pregnant was then much unreal to me. So, after Darcy passed away we wanted more than anything to have that joy again. Not that we were looking to replace her, but if you have been through this you understand my feelings. At my 6 week follow-up with my OBGYN the question knowingly came up "Do you and your husband plan on trying again?". I said yes and he gave us the green light. Then he said if in a few months I do not have any success in getting pregnant call the office and he can give me something that he is "pretty certain" I will conceive on. After 7 months of negatives. 7 months of waiting. 7 months of disappointments I finally called. I called and made an appointment for an agonizing month later. Ugh! Well, I waited this long right? So, on August 4th I will see just what this "pretty certain" thing is. I am trying not to get my hopes up, because nothing in my life has proven to be "certain". I will keep positive though and hopefully in a few months I will be telling you all about a new little life. A little brother or sister for Darcy Jayne.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Faith and speculation

I am so glad the weekend is over with! It was a bad one. Chris, my husband, lost his grandmother over the weekend. We were all very close to her and it was very sudden and unexpected. We just saw her last weekend and I think it hasn't truly became a reality yet. She was a wonderful woman and will greatly be missed.

It's so amazing how things can change in the matter of minutes. I know most of you have experienced this in many different ways. Some, unfortunately more tragically than others. It's just a reminder that we are not in control of the big picture. When I was a very young girl I remember attending church. Really, attending Sunday school. Which, mostly consisted of arts and crafts with a little lesson to go along with it. Before I was old enough to think for myself and really understand what the Bible was all about, we stopped going to church. I have always believed in God and the Bible, but I've never studied it all. I always just called myself a believer. When my daughter was born and then passed, I was lost. I didn't know what to do. Somehow I stumbled upon somebody's blog about losing their child. After that it became kind of an addiction. I soon found myself looking for stories just like mine or similar to mine. At one point I thought "what is wrong with me?". Why would I want to read somebody's sorrow, someone's loss? But, then I realized that person understood what I was going through, that I can related, that I'm not alone! And it felt good. As odd as that may sound, it did. It felt good that others knew me on a certain level that people I see and interact with every day, even my best friend didn't fully understand. I felt normal and the feelings I had were normal. Some of the blogs I read really talked about their faith. And it comforted me. I have more faith than I have had before. No, I do not attend church. No, I do not read the bible. But, I am closer to taking those steps.

Praying is also something that I have taken to lately. Praying for the mothers and families that have gone through a difficult time in their life and may still be struggling to cope a loss. Or new mothers that are just starting on their journey. One story especially tugged on my heart. I don't know if anyone has kept up with the story on Little April Rose these past couple of months, but I have. It's a story about a mother that chose not to terminate her pregnancy even though her little one was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 and Holoprosencephaly and was given a very grim prognosis. There has been speculation that this was a scam and I never doubted this young, single mom for one moment until this morning. This morning was the first time I've had a chance to log on and get caught up with everyone. I learned that this little one was born over the weekend and went to read up on it. But, to my surprise her blog had been taken down. I searched around and kept finding other bloggers who had posted their speculations as well. This really hurts me because I believed her the whole time and left her upbeat comments and prayed for her and her little girl. I can't fathom somebody doing this. It's really sad. Does anyone know the truth?

Friday, June 05, 2009

A Few Words

The last 24-hours have proven how quick things can take a turn. Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers as we have suffered a loss very recently. Thank you...

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

March of Dimes

Here are a couple of pictures from the walk on April 19, 2009 that I've been meaning to post. I absent mindedly left my camera at home that day...my husband took some pictures of the poster we made in memory of Darcy and the memory mile sign on his phone. I will try to get those posted sometime in the near future.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


I take back what I said yesterday. My life is not going back together...I kind of had a break down at work today. After that post yesterday, it all started going downhill. Can we say rollarcoaster much? ugh! When will I be "normal" again? I know I will never be the person I was a year ago, which is fine...but, when will all of the...

I'm good....

Not so good....

I think I could curl up and die....

Oh, no I'm alright....

Why can't I have my daughter...

Oh, no I can handle looking at a baby....

Get that baby away from me...


Monday, May 11, 2009

Beuatiful day!

Hey all! I haven't been a very good blogger lately! I'm sneaking this one in at work!I hope to write a lengthy post soon. It's a lovely day today! I feel like things are finally getting put back together. I hope it stays going in that direction. I hope you all are having a wonderful day like me!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter Darcy

Oh, how I wish my daughter was here to celebrate this day with us.

If you were here with us I would have picked out the most beautiful Easter dress for you and you would have looked perfect. We would have went to your grandparents' houses and you would have been smothered with love. I don't think I realized how hard this day is without you until I started writing this post. I would have bought you the softest stuffed bunny rabbit I could find to put in your crib. What I would do to have you in my arms again. But, you are celebrating Easter in the best place that one could celebrate Easter. We love you!

Friday, April 10, 2009


Thank goodness it is Friday! I was so happy when I woke up this morning and remembered that today is Friday. Payday at that! I don't know why payday excites me, as all the money goes to some sort of bill! But, I'm thankful that I can pay them. This weekend is exciting though because I can enjoy it without being sick! Plus I get to go to lunch with my dear friend who I love having lunch with because we can relate to a lot of the same things. Guess that is why we are friends!

As the week comes to a close I like to reflect on what has happened during last 5 days. It's crazy how so many ups and downs occur in such a small time frame. No major occurrences (thank goodness) but, one that make you stop and think where you are. This week I discovered that one of my co-workers in my department is expecting. I still don't know why I have the feelings that I do.I should be happy for the ones around me, but I still feel some sort of jealousy. I want so bad to feel excited and happy for them and I do...to an extent and then that awful feeling of jealousy creeps across me. I try to tell myself that it will be me again someday and that I should just be happy for what god had given me, but I just can't those feelings to go away. I guess in a way I feel left out or singled out. Then I get to come home to someone who knows what life in my shoes is like, my husband. I wonder if one day I will be free of these feelings.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

More on March of Dimes

I am so excited about the March of Dimes walk next month! I love doing this because it makes me feel even closer to my daughter. It lets people know that she was someone that was here and they acknowledge her more. I just want everyone to realize and be aware of the things that can go wrong during pregnancy. For example, when I was pregnant with Darcy I never in a million years knew something like this could happen. That could be my own ignorance or lack of education, but I'm sure I'm not the only one unaware of a woman having a weak cervix. The night I went into the hospital before giving birth to Darcy I was in a lot of pain, but I never dreamed that I was in labor. I just thought I'd go in and get checked out and come home happy and still pregnant. The thought of coming home without my baby never crossed my mind. The March of Dimes gives mothers a chance to honor their babies that they have lost and let other know about them. I expect that day will be filled with many tears. Luckily my husband will be there with me and my dear friend that I have made through this trying time. She too lost her daughter the same way and just within a week of us loosing Darcy. Without our friendship this journey would have been more painful and much harder. Darcy has changed my life in so many ways. It's hard to think such a tiny being that was here for just a short time could have such and large impact on her family's life that still continues even to this day. I am sure it will continue for the rest of our lives.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Saturday, February 21, 2009

4 month have gone by...

Four months ago I lost my baby girl. That’s what has been on my mind all day today. If all had went the way a pregnancy is suppose to go, she would have been born this month. But, I can’t keep thinking of all of that. The days, weeks, and now months are marching on and I must too. Of course that doesn’t mean forgetting or pushing it away, but to not dwell on the “what if I did this” or “what if this had happened” or “if I just had been here”. I can’t change what happened. So, to start looking forward and honoring my daughter, I’ve thought about the up and coming March of Dimes in my area. My friend, just yesterday, invited me to join her hospital’s team. I thought that was an excellent idea and I am planning on joining her and her teammates. I would like to honor my daughter in other ways too. If anyone has any unique ideas, please feel free to share them with me.

I recently took a huge step forward. It may not seem like one to others, but to me it’s a huge advance. A little back story first… While I was still pregnant, a girl who was also pregnant started working in my office. She was a month ahead of me and of course that’s the majority of what we talked about. When I came back from my leave from work in December, she was really quiet towards me. I couldn’t blame her. I honestly had nothing to talk to her about either. She was still pregnant and I was extremely emotional. This week she came back to work from maternity leave, She was showing a new picture of her daughter to another girl in the office, when she saw me she quickly began to put it away. I smiled and asked her if I could see it. It was a picture of her baby smiling. It was a beautiful picture. I actually looked at it without getting emotional. That’s the first time I’ve been able to do that without getting upset. I’ve had other opportunities to see pictures of her, but I couldn’t bring myself to look. I think in doing this it helped me heal. I am going to try to continue to be strong.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

February 08,2009

Today was a normal Sunday. I got up and my husband and I had breakfast together. I went off to my little side job, I guess you would call it. I work the M-F 40 hour week plus pick up a Sunday lunch waitress shift to make a couple extra bucks. I just started back to this extra job about 3 Sundays ago, the first since Darcy was born. I had worked there while I was pregnant and the regulars know me pretty well. Well, today I waited on one of the regulars and she said she had recalled me telling her I was pregnant a few months ago. I told her she was correct and she responded with a "Well you should be showing by now?". I replied with a smile on my face, trying to make the moment not so awkward "we lost her, she was born too early". Of course, you could tell the woman felt terrible for asking and that's what I hate about it when people ask me about my pregnancy. You just don't know what to say or how to act when something so terrible has happened.

Her being brought up doesn't bother me. It's more of what I think about that upsets me. I don't know if that makes since to anyone. Maybe that's just me putting on a strong front....

Saturday, February 07, 2009

February 05, 2009

It's 21 days from my due date. I should be so excited, but I'm not. I should be completely worn out, but I'm not. I should be putting the final touches on Darcy's nursery, but...I'm not. Four months ago, I was a happy little pregnant woman. My husband and I were so excited to be blessed with pregnancy. Everything was great for us. I'll start from the very beginning. It was in August when we first found out. We were making spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. We had just ran to the store to pick up some things we needed to make dinner and I thought "Maybe I should pick up a pregnancy test?". I had been feeling a little unlike myself, so I thought "what the heck" I grabbed one and we were on our way. Back at our apartment my husband was preparing dinner and I decided to take the test, minutes later it was positive! We couldn't believe it, so I took the second one...you guessed it, positive. We weren't trying for a baby at the time, we were just letting whatever happens, happen and it did. We were a little nervous at first, but soon we were so excited! I made an appointment the next day with my OB doctor and it wasn't going to be for another 3 weeks at the end of August. That was the longest wait ever! When the date finally came we got to see our precious baby. We heard the heart beat, saw her/him move around and it was amazing. We were more excited now then we were before! Before it was just results on a piece of paper, now there our baby was on the screen letting his/her presence be known. It was still too early to know the sex, but we were happy to know our baby was healthy and everything was going as it should. We scheduled our next appointment and we're on our way. The next month's appointment went as well as the first one did. The doctor scheduled an ultrasound at the end of November and we would find out what the sex was then. Soon I was feeling my little one moving around in my belly and the baby especially liked it when Daddy talked. We started preparing our lives to accommodate our little blessing.

On October 20th I woke up and went to work like I usually did every Monday thru Friday. The morning continued and as I sat at my desk I felt some slight cramping coming on. I called my doctor and he assured me that I was just growing, which made sense to me since I was well on my way to 5 months along. But, when the pains became more severe I went home and called the doctor again. He directed me to the hospital, so the baby's heartbeat could be checked and some test could be ran. At the hospital everything checked out and they sent me home reassuring me I was just growing. The night pressed on and I decided to try and get some sleep. I went to bed around 9 or 10 and by 1 in the morning I had had enough. I woke my husband and we went to the emergency room. The pains were constant and I couldn't think about anything else, they were unbearable. At the hospital they checked my baby's heartbeat. It was strong, but every time the pains would come the baby's heartbeat would drop. The doctor arrived and did an ultrasound. The baby had dropped way down and the doctor informed me that we were going to have a baby tonight. I knew it was way too soon for my baby to experience the world and I dreaded what was to come. Not until she was delivered at 6:17 October 21, 2008 did I know she was a precious little girl. They did all that they could for her, but she was just too small. She passed away 6 hours later. We named her Darcy Jayne.

Now here we are, time for her to really be here and words can not explain what I feel. All these thoughts, feeling, emotions run through my head everyday and it's like there is no escaping the pain I am in. I read this quote the other day and I will leave you with it...

Sometimes love last a moment...
Sometimes love last a lifetime...
Sometimes a moment is a lifetime...


February 07, 2009

The month is starting to get to me. I thought I was going to make it through this alright. I was wrong. Last night my husband and I went grocery shopping and of course there were babies. All I kept thinking about was that this is our month to take our little girl shopping with us. I always thought our baby would be born in the middle of February. The doctors wanted to plan her birth for other prior medical problems that involve me, so therefore I did not think they would let me carry all the way to my due date. I try to ease my mind by telling myself that she was already here and that this month should not be different from the previous months. But, this month is different. This is the month that I could not wait to get here, the month that was going to fill our life with joy. At first, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I could not bare the fact of feeling so empty. Now, I don't feel the pressure I had on myself to be pregnant, again. It's not going to be her and that's who I want, my little Darcy. Of course it will be a new life, a beautiful life of a boy or a girl, but I should not want to fill my loneliness with another life. So, again, we are just going to let what happens, happen. We miss Darcy every single day. Everywhere I look there is a reminder of what life is like without her and what it might be if she was still with us. A couple of weeks ago my husband told me that she is still with me, she just moved up a little bit, from my tummy to my heart.

While we were grocery shopping we ran into some of my cousins. My first cousin has three beautiful girls. The middle one, she's about 6 or 7, came and asked if my baby died. And I said yes, my baby is up in heaven. She asked me, is it a boy or a girl. I said, a little girl. It's so amazing how kids think. They haven't been affected by that voice inside that says what is appropriate or what is not. They say what is on their mind. It's not a bad thing. She simply wanted to know. I know her mother was embarrassed, but it did not bother me as much as she probably thought it did. I want everyone to know about Darcy. She is a part of our lives and I don't want it to be any other way. I love talking about her, as does every other parent in the world likes to talk about their children. Mine is just an angel, watching over her mommy, instead of mommy watching over her.